# CHAPTER 26: THE SELF AND THE SLEEP OF EXISTENCE
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Hey, first of all, have you ever thought about what you really are?
Setting aside philosophical reasons, the definition of one's self is one's consciousness. But if your consciousness is altered, are you still you?
First, let me explain what consciousness is from a biological perspective. Human consciousness is a consequence of brain development. For example, we are born with a physical body, and from that body, we develop emotions and record emotions—we have memories. And from memories, ultimately we develop language to shape external things like images, taste, and sound. From that emerges a subjective view of the world around us. And all of those things create the existence of consciousness.
That is the biological understanding of consciousness. This means consciousness is something the brain creates—or rather, not exactly creates, but the process of existing and processing information in the brain becomes consciousness in order to survive better. Meaning consciousness is like an organ born to increase the chances of survival.
We can be certain that changing memories will change consciousness, because memories are the origin and essence of consciousness. When memories are distorted or changed, then consciousness—the thing that exists based on memories—will surely change. But there is a problem: our memories are constantly updated by the present, and our memories will change. So does that mean we have never truly been our true selves? Logically, yes.
So from that, we can deduce that distorting or changing memories seems normal, nothing has changed—only the intensity differs. But that's not actually true. After many years, many new memories, changed subjective experiences, we still feel that we are ourselves. Why? Because of continuity. We change gradually, day by day, second by second, but our change is based on our past selves, not a complete replacement.
Like the Ship of Theseus paradox—everything has been replaced, but to me, the ship is still that ship, because the new changes are based on the old ship, so it remains itself—only the materials have changed, while the essential meaning of its existence remains the same.
Have you understood now? Changing or distorting memories means consciousness has changed. It is no longer the same as the original.
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And why did Subject 198 begin thinking about such strange philosophy that didn't seem like him? It was because of Subject 198's soul.
In this world, according to knowledge collected and practically applied by the Saikers, the soul is something that exists between the boundary of matter and the meaning of that material journey.
And Subject 198 was affected by that. He had his memories changed and his continuity destroyed due to the previous battle.
To explain, let's go back to that previous battle with the monster.
At that time, both he and the monster had recovered. The monster ate the corpses of two hand-monsters, while Subject 198 ate the energy bar. The final result was that both had recovered halfway and then plunged into a brutal battle.
But there was a problem: how did his brain get enough oxygen in this monstrous situation? During the process, his body kept bleeding and his limbs were crushed, sometimes smashed to the point where some limbs were torn off. Perhaps during the description of the battle, Subject 198 didn't remember, but the monster not only had powerful strikes, it also had new teeth. It bit and tore, causing his arms to be ripped off—sometimes legs, sometimes arms—forcing him to hold the mallet extremely tightly, switching hands continuously to avoid losing his weapon. And his brain was deprived of oxygen, sometimes even struck so hard that his brain was smashed. Then what?
Simply put, it had to recover. His brain suffered extremely severe damage—not only from lack of oxygen causing brain death, but his skull was also continuously smashed. So how did he survive? Thanks to Noci.
The fact that Noci lost consciousness early in such an intense battle was unusual. It was because Noci had to desperately maintain Subject 198's consciousness during the fight. Through the overlapping of their consciousnesses, Subject 198 was able to think. But it left consequences—his brain was simultaneously dying from oxygen deprivation and being smashed, then recovering, unable to store memories completely. The imperfect recovery caused Subject 198's memories to be physically lost.
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That was why Noci in his mind had to gather up the memories, then try to repair them through simulation and editing to make them as accurate and logical as possible. Noci had to rely on the imprint of consciousness on Subject 198's soul to rewrite those memories. This was also why Subject 198 had dreams about his past life—something he didn't care much about—being rewritten.
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With his hand still stroking his chin, Subject 198 thought.
*"The fact that my memories were modified and the continuity had to be rebuilt through simulation means I have changed—perhaps a lot—no longer the same as my previous self. But I was still reborn based on the old foundation. Meaning I am a different version of myself."*
Actually, Subject 198 didn't care much about this. He was just thinking out of habit, not really concerned. After all, his soul still carried the old meaning.
His soul still hated this body, wanted to become perfect, to trample on the arrangements of fate. So the essential meaning of his soul remained the same—only the memories were lost. Probably like an old man forgetting old stories. His past life had no emotions, which was bad for his soul's development, but it also didn't leave any mental meaning of existence on his soul.
*"Hey Noci, does this mean I just died and was reborn again?"*
Noci replied in a very strange voice—like a mix of madness and obsession from its nature, yet strangely lucid. And what was it? Hard to say. One could call it narcissism.
*"Look, since your memories were damaged and I reconstructed them based on our soul, it seems I have absorbed a portion and become a branch of your soul. Based on your assessment, I now have subjective experiences—meaning I am now more like a separate personality. Before, I was just a manifestation of the consciousness of personified obsession, but now—I truly am a separate personality. Two consciousnesses in one body. Aren't you happy, father? Right? You won't be tormented by this world anymore. I will kill... kill... kill... kill... kill everything. And I will love you in place of the part of you that loves yourself. I will love you, contrary to the cruelty and malice of this world—for you."*
*"I love you, father. I love you, father."*
*"I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father I love you father..."*
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Hearing Noci's overreaction in his head, by instinct, Subject 198 evaluated Noci.
*"It seems like it not only inherited my madness, but it also contains a portion of my narcissism—something I actually don't have, even the opposite. Noci behaving like this might also be related to it absorbing the soul memories used to create my defective soul in the past life. Or Noci is like this as a protective consciousness against the nature of this world."*
Responding to the voice echoing continuously in his head:
*"Hey, want to eat something? I'll make you some dishes I ate a few days ago. I'm pretty sure you'll like them."*
*"Yes, father."* The words weren't just spoken once but kept echoing continuously in Subject 198's mind.
Somehow, instead of feeling annoyed or any other emotion, Subject 198, amid the voice echoing continuously in his head, felt comfortable and comforted.
The food he prepared was the same as the meal he had prepared when he woke up—not the leg meal to wash away the bitterness, but a different one. Actually, Subject 198 had already eaten his fill earlier, but to share the happiness of eating, he made more and let Noci eat.
Noci's reaction was quite interesting.
Noci was extremely adamant against the body parts of Subject 198, even having an attitude of refusing to eat.
*"Father, I won't eat. Won't eat, won't eat, won't eat, won't eat. I don't like this. I definitely won't eat. This is an insult. This causes father pain. And no—never."*
So he had to change the dish to crustacean-tentacle monster meat, and the reaction was the opposite.
Noci ate voraciously, continuously, a lot. But through Noci being a part of him, Noci—he could see she didn't like it, but rather it was hatred and satisfaction.
Noci didn't like its soft texture. She liked it chewy like beef. She was quite interested in the spicy taste of acid. And she extremely hated the sweet taste of the monster's blood. Somehow, despite being created by him, she had taste preferences opposite to his.
Noci even liked blood-glass moss more than glass-moss. She extremely liked this bitter taste. Even when I replaced the drink from the monster's blood with its Fanta grape flavor to blood grass water full of rust, she added blood-glass moss powder to have the bitterness blend with the iron taste.
*"It seems like Noci is type M—probably. Based on the essence of her existence being madness and pain."*
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After eating, lying on the pillow that was only now being used, he began to feel comfortable lying on it. Noci in his head had calmed down now—no longer echoing continuously, now only calling out *"I love you, father"* every few minutes.
Actually, though this pillow was much softer than the ground, it was quite hard compared to the pillows described in his past life. But it was still good.
While he was reflecting, Noci spoke up:
*"Father, why don't you try making a water pillow? It would be softer and cooler."*
*"Ah, that's right. Why didn't I think of that? In the database, there's something called a water pillow."*
So he added it to his list of things to do.
He would make it after:
- Building a house
- Making a water press
- Creating a vehicle
- Modifying his body with more limbs
Then he would make the water pillow.
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