Later...
I awoke feeling genuinely rested.
As ordinary as that sounded, it was the first time since arriving in this universe that I had truly slept. There had been no fear of some Pleasure Priest discovering me on one of the core worlds of the Aeldari Empire, nor any lingering dread of servants devoted to the unborn god.
A quick glance around the room revealed a spacious chamber furnished with everything one could possibly need, at least by the standards of advanced Aeldari civilization.
And Aeldari standards were absurd.
Even the table resembled transparent crystal. Through its polished surface, I could faintly make out my own reflection. The furniture seemed frozen in motion, as though it had once flowed like liquid before suddenly solidifying.
Yet somehow, it looked elegant.
Harmonious.
"Hmm... Let's see." Pressing my fingers to my temples, I activated my psychic abilities.
Like every Aeldari, the previous owner of this body had possessed a modest psychic gift. During the three months I had inhabited this body, I had managed to learn everything he knew.
Now my thoughts are interfaced with the technology around me.
Like nearly everything in Aeldari society, it was controlled through psychic power.
You practically couldn't even use the bathroom without it.
With a single mental command, a transparent automated oven silently came to life. Through its crystalline shell, I watched every stage of the meal's preparation unfold.
"Mmm..."
As for the food itself...
There simply was no comparison.
The Aeldari loved pleasure, and food provided pleasure. Their culinary arts had therefore enjoyed sixty million years of refinement.
After finishing my meal and once again realizing that even after three months I still hadn't grown accustomed to the almost divine flavors of Aeldari cuisine, I left my chamber.
Naturally, the door opened at a touch of psychic power.
"Fed and watered?"
The voice behind me made me swear under my breath as I spun around. Standing barely half a meter away was the same Harlequin who had knocked me unconscious.
"You certainly took your time, young fool. Quite the glutton, aren't you?"
"Still faster than the hedonists of the Cults of Pleasure devour their own colleagues."
I shrugged.
The Harlequin's living mask twisted into an expression of exaggerated disgust.
"They perform dreadfully dull plays. For ten thousand years they've repeated the same tiresome performances. Anyone with even the slightest taste has long since grown weary of them."
Then he gestured for me to follow.
"Come, young fool. Our god has ordered that you be trained to the highest standard. After all, you are destined to perform a magnificent play for him. A magnificent joke. Lately, even his laughter has become more frequent."
I'm honored," I replied with my usual smile. "And entirely attentive."
In Warhammer, the only sane response to horror was a healthy amount of indifference.
The Harlequins understood that better than anyone.
Paranoids died first in this universe. That was practically a law of nature. Had I arrived here in my original human body, I would probably have died within hours.
At first glance, they appeared surprisingly ordinary.
Smooth black passageways stretched endlessly ahead, their surfaces polished to impossible perfection. There were no doors. No visible seams. No barriers.
Not very Aeldari.
But that illusion shattered the moment I extended my psychic senses.
And holy...
Mother of all Aeldari...
The instant I perceived what truly surrounded me, my knees buckled.
Blood splattered across the pristine floor as I dropped to one knee, coughing violently.
This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.
"Outside your room, do nothing except what you're instructed to do. Understood, young fool?"
The Harlequin's tone had become noticeably stricter. Even his mask displayed exaggerated severity.
He hadn't moved a single step.
Only his torso had twisted to face me in a manner utterly impossible for human anatomy.
"Understood." I forced myself upright, still struggling to breathe. "But... this... this is..."
With a trembling hand, I gestured toward the walls.
"Yes." The Harlequin inclined his head. "You understand correctly."
"Every wall. Every structural component within the heart of the Black Library, save for private chambers, serves as a shelf for its most secret and forbidden knowledge. Every fragment of wisdom entrusted to us by our creators, the great Old Ones, resides within these walls. The crystal growths that differ in appearance are later additions, left behind by the Seers granted entry over the millions of years that followed."
"I understand. Completely.” I nodded gratefully.
We resumed walking. Questions crowded my mind by the thousands, but if I truly intended to live as an Aeldari, then it was time to learn patience.
The galaxy already contained more than enough impatient fools. From Primarchs and Inquisitors to the most stubborn Death Korps troopers.
I probably hadn't known this universe as well as some fans back on Earth, but even I could see that much of the Imperium's suffering stemmed from fanaticism, haste, and an absolute inability to wait.
Eventually, we entered an enormous chamber.
Its simplicity felt almost unsettling.
The room was a perfect cube of polished black crystal, austere and immaculate. Its mirror-like walls reflected my image with flawless clarity.
I wore a standard Aeldari bodysuit, normally intended as the layer beneath psycho-plastic armor. Even without additional plating, however, it functioned as armor, environmental protection, and thermal regulation all at once.
Add a helmet and it would outperform any spacesuit humanity had ever conceived.
By an absurd margin.
"We'll begin with the basics." The Harlequin assumed a fighting stance.
"Some things can only be seen through the way someone walks. Others only reveal themselves in battle. Remember this. Before the first clash, you can never know every detail about your opponent. Many have died learning that lesson, especially against Orks."
As he spoke, he settled comfortably into position.
"Attack me with everything you have. Surely you are not foolish enough to believe you could accidentally injure me.."
Apparently, speaking normally remained difficult for him.
"Understood." I exhaled.
For months in the Aeldari capital world, I had attempted to adapt my human martial arts experience to my new physiology.
Now it was finally time to test those efforts.
Perhaps...
Perhaps I could surprise him for a fraction of a second.
Perhaps I wouldn't lose quite so badly.
….
It didn't help.
Not even a little.
No matter what I tried, including several utterly shameless attacks aimed at sensitive locations, the Harlequin avoided every strike. He wasn't overwhelmingly faster and he simply moved in ways no human mind could predict.
Eventually my eye began twitching.
And then...
He dismantled me.
My twisted Aeldari muscle fibers, several times stronger than a human's, accomplished nothing. My warp-enhanced nervous system accomplished nothing. My flexible bones, nearly impossible to break, accomplished nothing. My hypersensitive hearing accomplished nothing.
Nothing helped.
Absolutely nothing.
"Ugh..." I landed on my back, my kidneys protesting.
The Harlequin folded his hands behind his back and rocked lightly on his clownish boots.His mask displayed thoughtful contemplation.
"My conclusion.” He paused thoughtfully. “Your fundamentals are terrible, though I expected little from modern youth. However, there are a few sparks in the darkness. Some unconventional strikes with modest potential, and a willingness to attack reproductive organs. Overall, better than expected. Your flexibility, however, is utterly..." He paused. "As Great Cegorach has said for ages, utterly hopeless."
"I only fully realized how hopeless our race's situation was a few months ago."
I winced and forced a grin.
The Laughing God clearly knew far more about human history than I would have expected. Though considering he'd existed for millions of years, perhaps that wasn't surprising.
"Not an excuse." The Harlequin remained perfectly serious. "But the timeframe is understandable."
"We shall begin with physical conditioning. Twenty years. Then thirty years devoted to instinctive reflexes. After that, fifty, perhaps sixty, years mastering the fundamentals. At that point, you will barely meet the minimum acceptable standard. Only afterward shall your true specialization begin. Several centuries more should suffice. Then..." His mask curled into a delighted grin. "...you may finally be considered a proper, albeit inexperienced, Harlequin. Are you frightened, young fool?"
"That's... surprisingly fast."
The words escaped me before I could stop them. By human standards, the timeline was absurdly long. By the standards of surviving the future of this galaxy?
Not at all.
My survival instincts worked perfectly fine and right now they were screaming that dedicating centuries to training was an excellent investment. Yes, I would probably complain endlessly in the future. But every time I did, I could simply remember Chaos, Necrons, and Tyranids.
That would motivate me nicely.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah..."
For the first time, genuine amusement entered the Harlequin's voice.
"I believe this is the first time I've ever seen someone surprised by how quickly training could be completed rather than how long it would take. And you're not boasting. Nor are you trying to impress me."
He shook his head.
"Then again, I should have expected as much. Otherwise Great Cegorach would never have paid such close attention to you."
I merely shrugged.
It was what it was.
"In that case, we should not delay. Especially with the event soon to come." His mask brightened into delighted anticipation. "Ah, it will undoubtedly be the funniest performance of the last sixty million years."
Of course.
Who better than a servant of the galaxy's greatest fool to laugh at the greatest tragedy in Aeldari history?
Though, admittedly, I found a certain humor in it too.
The Aeldari were quite literally going to pleasure themselves into extinction.
Well then.
If it took decades, it took decades.
After all, I planned to live for millennia.